


When I Look in the Mirror, I See You

by EvanKasden



Category: Ender's Game - All Media Types
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 12:42:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24849973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvanKasden/pseuds/EvanKasden
Summary: Peter thought Ender would stop being a part of him once there was no chance of Ender coming home.  He was wrong.An internal monologue on morality and past mistakes.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	When I Look in the Mirror, I See You

Peter was right to send Ender away, but sometimes his absence hurt just as much as his presence would have. At first, Peter had felt the kind of anger he thought he’d gotten over after Ender left, the kind that made him want to rip and tear and use those weaknesses he could always find to destroy Ender totally. He snapped at Valentine and random people who definitely didn’t deserve it for weeks. Then that anger had faded into anger at himself. Ender had been gone for years and he’d never see him again, but still Ender was simultaneously worse and better than him. He was better because he’d saved humanity. He was worse because he’d let them manipulate him in a way Peter never would have. He was weak and hadn’t learned the lessons Peter had tried to teach him and now he was gone and Peter still couldn’t forget him.

Ender was always supposed to be better than him and he had tried to make Ender better than him, but Ender didn’t seem to appreciate it. Peter knew why, now. How could Ender, just a kid, have been better than Peter? So Peter had failed, and Ender had done it anyway.

Peter knew what Ender had seen in the mirror in the mind game. Locke had contacts all over, and Ender hadn’t left him alone since Locke had convinced the IF to send Ender away. His dreams were filled with Ender and the screens were filled with Ender and people looked at him and saw Ender. 

Peter and Valentine were different. Valentine didn’t understand that need to keep kicking once your enemy was down. Ender had that edge. And now, Ender knew he was a killer.

And that was irony, right there. Ender killed an entire race, and some of his own race, too, while Peter was playing at peace. But Peter was playing at peace and burning up inside, and now Ender would understand. Neither of them were good people anymore, as much as they tried to hide it and make up for it. And now that Ender could really understand Peter, Peter had sent him away.

In the middle of the night, when he couldn’t sleep, Peter would think about how, maybe, he was the only one who could understand Ender. Peter could love him and know all of him; love the bad parts just as much as the good ones because they were parts Peter had too.

It took a long time before Peter realized he wouldn’t ever exist without Ender. Ender would always be there in the background, overshadowing Peter and haunting him even when Ender was denounced, and Peter was praised, by the people of Earth. It hurt, but Peter came to know and love that hurt. Peter knew he deserved that hurt, both for what he’d done to Ender and as punishment for those impulses to rip and tear that he never quite got over.

One day, years after Ender had left, Valentine tentatively suggested Peter contact him. Peter shook his head and they never spoke of it again. Ender might forgive Peter, and Ender might comfort Peter, and that wasn’t right. The pain of failing Ender and the thoughts of all he’d done to him was no more than Peter deserved. This pain was Peter’s cross to bear, keeping him from making those mistakes again. The Peter that didn’t feel that pain was an inhuman Peter. That day, Peter swore to himself what he had already known: he would die without ever talking to Ender again.


End file.
